What Do I Do Now???

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At 35, the question “What do you do now?” isn’t as cool or suave as it is at 15 & 25. Ten additional years and tens of thousands of moments of pure judgment call later, this question looks a bit out of place, one is supposed to be a bit “matured” by now (another word haunting my daily communication these days!!), but then, this is one question that haunts me now more than ever….

The world both in the personal and professional sphere is more competitive than it ever was, the home competing with the job and the job competing with the jealousy of other’s progress and other’s progress competing with one’s own stability and one’s own stability competing with thy peace of mind and thy peace of mind competing with the home….the vicious cycle of a life barging into several fronts….yet still at 35 when the above mentioned is more pronounced than ever…”What do you do now?” is soo diplomatically wrong.

Why can’t I really qualify to ask this question over and over again even now….’cause I am in a steady profession with responsibilities, a home to look after, people who abide by my decisions, a built of a senior person heading to middle age….or rather the temptation to judge that I have learnt all that’s “essential” to lead a straight life….all the lessons to not make “major” mistakes imbibed….or the fact that because certain milestones are achieved, its not important that one is still vulnerable to judgmental errors.

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No matter what is said or judged, at 35, I am nowhere near the point where I think I have stopped asking this question “What do I do now?”

….life is still very much a “maze in a thick haze”

….every turn taken is a judgment call and every mistake made is a lesson learnt; the greater the lessons, the next lesson makes it look small….

….passing through life every next day is a discovery of a new turn only to lead to a dead end or a treasure urn….which one’s in turn is hard to tell….

….some money made, some relationships lost, some smiles gained, few memories lost, many a bruises earned, a scar or two ignored….

….”it’s just a passing phase” I try convincing; only to realize a mistake made here and there….and here I am asking myself if it was a mistake, only to realize, “Yes!!! It was”….

….made on your own, the path trodden by your feet, the error ignored by your senses, the ignominy borne by your ego & the failure hammered into your consciousness….

….I do end up asking every now and then “What do I do now????”

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